The Doctor Meets The Polymorph
by Prone To Obsession
Summary: 10 meets the Boys from the Dwarf and helps save them from the Polymorph.
1. Aboard Red Dwarf

**A/N: Two awesome Sci-Fi shows, very different but both brilliant, together at last. You have to know both Red Dwarf and Doctor Who for this to make any sense. R&R! I've been having a bit of trouble finding a Beta for this story, which I daresay doesn't bode well for how it will be received. But I like it, so it's going up!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Red Dwarf or Doctor Who**

It was a quiet day on _Red Dwarf_. In his room, Lister was making a nice spicy kebab while Cat sat in disgust at his make-shift eating utensils ("Embryo Refrigeration Unit?!"). Rimmer was enjoying a rare moment away from his idiotic traveling companions, watching old home movies, remembering better times from when he was alive. Kryten was using his groinal attachment for a bit of light housekeeping. None of them imagined that at that moment, not one, but two distinctly non-human life forms had appeared on their ship. One would very shortly manifest itself as part of Listers meal, then as part of his wardrobe. As for the other...

The Doctor was left alone, as always. Still, he thought, that's fine. He had wallowed in self-pity for a while, same as he always did. And now he was itching for an adventure. He had set the TARDIS to take him somewhere random. The controls indicated that it was somewhere around the year 3 million. As her engines quieted, he poked his head out the door. Just an average ship, it seemed. Nothing special. It was rather quiet, though. He decided to take a look around, grabbing his coat before heading down the empty hall.

"Blimey, this ship goes on, doesn't it?" He said to no one in particular. He had been wandering down corridors for the better part of twenty minutes and had yet to meet another living soul. Finally, as he rounded yet another corner, he heard muffled speech from behind a thick steel door. He pulled out his stethoscope and listened in. "I don't want you to panic, Arn, but it does appear there's a very tiny possibility that there may very well in all likelihood possibly be a non-human life form on board." Well, it seems they were expecting him. Better go introduce himself.

* * *

"Hello! I'm the Doctor."

"Doctor? Doctor Who?"" Rimmer's nostrils flared with indignation. What right did this man have to come on their ship? And anyway, Holly said there was a non-human life form on this ship. He obviously wasn't it—he was human, clear as day.

"Just the Doctor. Who are you?"

Rimmer cleared his throat and gave an overly-elaborate salute. "Arnold J. Rimmer, acting commander of the Space Corp Mining Vessel _Red Dwarf_."

The Doctor nodded. "Ah, Space Corp? Late 21st century, yeah? Off in search of new life forms. Brilliant. Ah, it is a bit odd though, where is everyone else? These ships generally hold thousands, I thought. And...well, the TARDIS must be a little off, she told me it was the year 3 million."

"Listen, I don't have time for your stupidity right now, " Rimmer groaned, "All I want to know is how you got on this ship and where you came from."

Just then, there was screaming from a few doors down, and the Doctor and Rimmer both ran to see what was happening.

They got there just in time to see Lister crumple to the floor. In front of him stood a huge slimy monster, who immediately released his suctioned grip on Lister and turn into...a bunny?

"What?" The Doctor rushed into the room as the white rabbit hopped away. "What?" As the others rushed to help Lister, The Doctor followed the bunny. Only, when he got into the hallway, it was gone, and there was a rather suspicious-looking tennis racket leaning against the wall. "What?!"


	2. Fearless

**Disclaimer: I still don't own anything**

Inside the Medical Unit, the Doctor was examining Lister, who remained unconscious.

"Is he alright?" Cat asked.

"As far as I can tell, yes," he replied, eying the strange creature suspiciously. "He should be fine, I think, once he's had some rest." The Doctor straightened up and looked around at the assortment of characters standing in the Med Unit with him. He focused on Cat first, "You're...a cat?"

"Yes, haven't you ever seen a cat person before?"

He shrugged, "Well, yeah, but never one so hairless."

Cat frowned. "What do you mean, hairless?" He pulled out mirror. "Don't tell me I'm balding! I'd have to kill myself!"

The Doctor had already moved on to inspect Kryten. "And what have we here? A mechanoid? Primitive model..." he pulled out his sonic screwdriver and buzzed it in Kryten's ear. "Ah, a household droid. Late 21st century. Solidly built." Kryten looked pleased at this assessment. "And," the Doctor said, turning at last to Rimmer, "A hologram. Brilliant! Haven't seen a hologram in ages. Soft light?" He waved his hand through Rimmer and watched his image flicker. "Yup. Oh, sorry," he added when he saw Rimmer's face. He sniffed, "I have a tendency to sort of, be rude. Unintentionally."

"Right," Rimmer disregarded him. "Now that you know about us, it's time you told us who you are."

"Oh, I'm just sort of...passing through. Thing is, this is a ship from the 21st century. But we're in at least the year 3.5 Billion. So what's going on here? And what was that thing doing on this ship?" He motioned to the hallway, indicating the creature that had harmed Lister.

Kryten stepped forwards. "I can't say what that creature was for sure, sir. But perhaps I can help familiarize you with your surroundings." Kryten quickly summed up how their motley crew had come to be. Just as he was finishing, Lister stirred with a groan.

"Ah!" The Doctor rushed to the table where Lister lay. "Lister, is it? I'm the Doctor. Seems you've been attacked by some sort of shape-shifter. How d'you feel?"

Lister looked up at the stranger with an odd glint in his eyes. "Doctor? I don't need no stinking doctor!"

Just then, Holly, the ship's computer, piped up. "I think I might be able to help sort this out. I've been doing research in our database. That creature was a genetically engineered life form, from Earth. It's called a Polymorph."

"What's that?" Cat asked, confused, as always.

The Doctor nodded. "Polymorphs. Emotional vampires. They feed off of human emotion. Bring you to the height of emotion and feed off the brain waves it produces."

Lister hopped off the gurney. "I say we twat it!"

"And, apparently..." the Doctor concluded, "It's got Lister's fear."

Lister kept going, oblivious to the Doctor. "I'm going to rip out it's windpipe and beat it t'death with the tonsil end!" Kryten, meanwhile had been preparing a sedative, which he now stuck in Lister's arm. Lister slipped back into unconsciousness. As Kryten placed him back on his bed, the crew of Red Dwarf decided that they would hightail it, rather than find the creature.

The Doctor was less than satisfied with that plan. "Right, you lot can do what you like, I'm going to stop this thing."


	3. Vanity

**Disclaimer: I still don't own anything**

"No Bazookoids." The Doctor had finally convinced the crew to help him find the Polymorph. But as it turns out, their idea of helping was...heat seekers. "We don't need to kill it. Just...stop it."

"Same thing," Rimmer said casually. Suddenly, his head jerked around. "There, in the shadows! It's in the shadows! There, there there!" he shouted.

Cat, still holding his bazookoid, quickly fired into the shadows. As the balls of energy shot off down the corridor, Rimmer apologized. "Sorry, sorry, nevermind."

The Doctor grabbed the guns. "See? No Bazookoids. They're dangerous." As if to prove his point, the heat-seeking missiles headed back up the hallway straight towards them, looking for something to hit. "Run!"

The four men bolted down the hallway, diving behind a cold steel door just in time. "I don't understand it," Rimmer wheezed, "Holograms don't produce heat. Neither do androids." His eyes darted immediately to the stranger aboard their ship.

"Don't look at me," the Doctor protested. "My internal temperature is only 16 degrees. Most heat-seekers are programmed for at least 25, 30." He, Kryten, and Rimmer all turned to the Cat, who looked confused for a moment before catching on.

"So long, guys."

"No, wait--" the Doctor tried, but Cat was already gone. "O-o-oh!" He groaned. "Just what we need, someone running of alone. You two, stay here. Just, stay, and...be careful." He ran off down the hall after Cat.

Coming to a fork, he looked to the left to see the energy missiles coming towards him. He pulled his sonic screwdriver out of his pocket and used it to heat up a nearby crate, then ran for cover. The missiles hit the crate in a burst of flame and smoke. "Well, that's one problem down. But where's that Cat?"

--

Cat was creeping along a corridor nearby, turning around as he walked so nothing could sneak up on him.

"What are you doing?" A gorgeous brunette asked.

"Looking for a dangerous mutant. It can turn into anything!"

"Oh, sounds scary."

"It is baby, believe me." He didn't seem to find anything strange about finding a woman on board.

"It must take a really brave sort of guy to do this kind of work. And smart too, I bet you have to be really smart."

"Oh yeah, you gotta be on guard all the time."

"You're quite a guy, you know? Brave, smart, handsome...I think you're probably the best-looking guy I've ever seen."

Cat smiled, "Well, I wasn't going to be the first to say it."

"I'd really like to make love to a guy like you."

Cat turned to face her, grinning like an idiot. "Hi, I'm the Cat."

She smiled sweetly, "Hi, I'm the genetic mutant." The woman's face twisted into a grimace as she became the huge, slimy polymorph again. Its huge tendril-like mouth attached to Cat's forehead as Cat screamed and fainted.

"I'm here, I'm coming!" the Doctor shouted, following the noises. "Cat!" he approached the unconscious form on the floor. "Oh, Cat. I'm so sorry." With a bit of difficulty, he carried him back to the others.

"What's happened?" Kryten asked.

"The polymorph got him. I think he's lost an emotion." Using the sonic screwdriver once more, the Doctor scanned Cat's brain, "Vanity. Where's Rimmer?"

"He went off looking for you two, sir."

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Okay, stay here with Cat. Don't go anywhere, and if he comes to, don't let him go anywhere either. I'll go find Rimmer." He jogged down the hallway once more.


	4. One Banana Short Of A Bunch

**Disclaimer: Hm...If I owned Red Dwarf and Doctor Who, we would be watching this on TV rather than reading a silly Fanfic. :P**

"Oh, Mr. Rimmer, sir, thank goodness you're back. You really shouldn't go off on your own. Mr. Doctor wants us to stay put. Look what happened to Cat."

"What did happen, Kryten?" Rimmer's voice was sterner than usual.

"He's lost his vanity."

"This is your fault you know."

Kryten stopped short as he was checking on Cat. "M...m-my fault?"

Rimmer was positively fuming now. "Yes, your fault. You let Cat run off alone. He trusted you. Now look at him."

Kryten was obviously pained by this statement. "I didn't mean to..."

"But you did."

"Oh, I feel so...so..."

"So...GUILTY?" Rimmer punctuated this last word by transforming into the Polymorph, sucking the guilt right out of Kryten before switching to the form of a snake and slithering away.

* * *

"No sign of Rimmer," the Doctor shouted as he rounded the corner, "We'll have to--oi! Wonderful. Something tells me this crew is one banana short of a bunch. Well..." he pulled out the sonic screwdriver, "looks like old Krytie has lost his guilt. Oh, that can't be good." Just then, both Cat and Kryten began to stir. "Right then, you two. I'm putting you in the sleeping quarters until I can work this out."

Cat nodded, rubbing his head. Kryten followed, but with his guilt gone, he couldn't resist letting out a "screw you, hadron-head!"

* * *

Meanwhile, the real Rimmer was still on his own. He decided that since he couldn't find Cat, he should at least check on Lister in the medical bay. But what he found was a little more than he bargained for.

"Mother?"

"Hello dear!" There was his mother, laying on the table next to Lister, looking altogether too comfortable.

"WHAT are you doing?"

His voice echoed down the hall, and the Doctor closed the sleeping quarter's door as fast as he could to run and see what was happening. He got there just in time to hear Rimmer's "mother" say, "Darling, I wish you could have seen him in action. He was like a set of pistons in an ocean liner engine room." The Doctor looked back and forth, trying to work out what emotion the polymorph was going for here.

"You just had my mum!" Rimmer shouted at Lister, who had woken up and was lying listlessly with the polymorph.

Anger, the Doctor decided. "Listen, Arnold, don't get mad. That's what it wants. Just stay calm. Rimmer? Breath. Deep breaths."

Rimmer took a couple of breaths, but couldn't hold in the anger. He ran towards the table, but before he could reach it, the polymorph sucked the anger out of him. Being a hologram, he didn't really lose consciousness like the others had; just sort of stood there dazed for a minute. The Doctor wanted to help him, but he was focused on catching the mutant stealing people's emotions. Unfortunately, it had chosen the form of an insect and scuttled into the ventilation system. Running his hand through his hair, the Doctor thought about what to do next. "Well, Lister, let's get you and Rimmer to the sleeping quarters with the others."


	5. The Beginning

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the laptop I'm typing this on.**

"What have you been doing?" The Doctor asked on stepping into the sleeping quarters. He was referring to Cat, who was dressed in a tattered shirt and dirty plaid suit. His hair is a mess.

"I've been getting myself comfortable, man!"

The Doctor nodded slowly. "Right, no vanity."

"Well, what's the point, really?"

The Doctor shook his head, grateful that he hadn't lost any emotions to the mutant...yet. But he knew he had to figure out a way to stop this creature before it could do any more damage. "Computer!" he shouted.

"It's Holly," the bald floating head on the screen said.

"Right, Holly. Can you find where the polymorph is now?"

"It's in the cargo bay, sleeping off it's four course meal. If you want my advice, you'll get these four and scram before it decides it needs a fifth course."

"Right, that's not happening." He turned back to the four victims and was rendered speechless. Rimmer had somehow changed his hologramatic projection into a new "anger-free" version of himself. His tee-shirt read "Give Quiche A Chance" in friendly red letters and he had a goatee and a pipe. He looked at the Doctor.

"Look, just because it's an armour-plated alien killing machine that salivates unspeakable slobber, doesn't mean it's a bad person. What we've got to do is get it round a table, and put together a solution package -- perhaps over tea and biscuits."

Guilt-free Kryten would have none of that. "Look at him! You can't trust his opinion -- he's got no anger. He's a total dork!"

Fearless Lister had to have his say too. "Why don't we go down to the ammunition stores, get the nuclear warheads and then strap one to my head? I'll nuke the smegger to oblivion!"

The Doctor looked over to Cat, waiting to see what he had to say. Cat shook his head. "Hey, don't ask me my opinion, I'm nobody. Just pretend I'm not here."

The Doctor ran a hand through his hair as he came up with a plan. "Okay. Right. Well. I'm going to the cargo bay. If I can catch him before he turns into something else, I may be able to reprogram his DNA using the chameleon arch on the TARDIS..." he fell quiet as he realized none of them had a clue what he was saying.

Lister was the first to speak, grabbing a baseball bat as he did so. "Right, so let's just cut all of this business and get on with it! Last one alive's a wet ponce. Who's with me?"

"Well, the car stickers aren't ready until Thursday, but sometimes one just has to act spontaneously. People, let's go." Rimmer stood up, ready to follow. "Hey, I'm coming, too," Cat added, "Maybe I can bum some money off him."

Kryten was the last to follow. "Maybe if I hand you guys over, it'll let me go. MOVE IT, SUCKERS!" The Doctor didn't look too happy about it, but he let them come along.

"There it is," he whispered when they reached the cargo bay, motioning towards a small slug-like creature sitting near a stack of boxes. "Now let's..."

He was cut of by Lister. "Come on you smeg-head! Come get what's coming to you!"

"No!" The Doctor shouted as Lister was about to brought the baseball bat down hard on the creature. Lister stopped inches above it's head. "No! Please, Lister, no." The polymorph must have been stunned, because it didn't even try to get away. The Doctor picked up the tiny polymorph very gingerly, giving him a small sedative just to be safe.

Back on the TARDIS, the Doctor hooked up the genetically engineered life form to the Chameleon Arch and pressed some buttons. The creature was still under sedation, so it didn't even feel anything. "There, all set," the Doctor said at last. He turned to the boys from the Dwarf, who were standing around looking lost. "I've reprogrammed its DNA so that it no longer needs emotions to survive. It's harmless." The polymorph switched itself to a kitten as if to prove itself. It hopped down and into Rimmer's lap.

"Lovely!" Rimmer exclaimed, reminding the Doctor that he still had four people here who were missing a vital emotion each. He sighed. One last problem to solve.

* * *

Arnold and Kryten were easy to fix, after all they were basically just strings of ones and zeros. But the Doctor was quite perplexed as to how he could give Cat his vanity back and Lister his fear.

"Sir?" Kryten came up behind him, holding some tea. He offered it to the Doctor. "We do have a full medical unit here. If it would help. I have very basic medical training, but I could assist in the surgery." The Doctor frowned. He really didn't like mucking about in people's heads. But he was just fixing things, right?

"I don't need to do surgery, Kryten," he said at last. "If I'm correct, and well, I am, then I should be able to telepathically unblock the receptors that the polymorph switched off as it fed."

The Doctor and Kryten went to the sleeping units where Lister and Cat were resting. Cat was first. The Doctor placed two fingers on either temple. Images of fish, kitty school, and suits...oh so many suits, flashed through his head. "There, all set." Cat woke up and looked down at what he was wearing.

"What have you done to me?" he exclaimed. "If I don't get into some coordinated evening wear, I'll have to resign my post as the most handsome guy on the ship!" He trotted off to his wardrobe.

Lister was next. As the Doctor searched his mind, he could see images of a woman, horses, sheep, and Fiji. "Back to normal," he said at last.

"Phew," Lister said as he woke up, "My head feels like it's been through the wash. I need a drink."

"Well," the Doctor said at last, "Now that everything's back to normal, I'm off." The group looked at him.

"But, sir," Kryten managed at last, "Where will you go?"

"Oh, I was thinking I might try a zero-G football match. You lot've made me want to visit Earth, 2099. I haven't been there in ages."

They stood, mouths agape. "You can get to earth? We're three million years into deep space!"

The Doctor nodded slowly. "Yeah, so you are. Well then, you'd better come with me." He herded them into the TARDIS and took off.

* * *

"Where are we?" Lister asked as he relaxed his tight grip on the TARDIS console. None of the Red Dwarf crew had enjoyed the ride much.

"The year 3 million. Earth. Fiji."

"Fiji? You've taken me to Fiji?"

The Doctor nodded, smiling. "Sorry it's not exactly the same as when you left. Can't risk you chaning history or anything like that. But it's not a whole lot different, really." Lister ran out the TARDIS doors, grinning. He came back briefly to thank the Doctor, then ran out for good. Kryten followed, not knowing what else to do, as did the Cat. Rimmer stayed put.

"Right, and where are you taking me?"

"Sorry, mate," the Doctor said. "End of the line."

"What?"

"You're a hologram. They don't even have holograms anymore, that was just a fad. I believe everyone's into something called hoverboards now. But anyway, if you want to keep this life, then fine. But, there's nothing to power you. I've patched you into Kryten's power source, so as long as he stays charged, you'll be fine. But you have to stay within 100 miles of him."

"Great, so I'm stuck on an island with the three idiots."

The Doctor just shrugged and walked him to the door. As he took off, he laughed at the amazing and ridiculous people he met on his trip aboard the mining ship Red Dwarf. If he could survive that, he could handle anything.


End file.
